University of Ballarat goes to Sydney

This just in from our correspondent Matt Heuston-What'sYOURFuckinproblem-Kennedy in Sydney... It seems Ballarat Council is not being consulted on some plans for the expansion of the city's boundaries...

BREAKING NEWS: PHOTO REVEALS EXPANSIONIST PLANS

Gold-rush city expands, abscess-like, into the heartland of Sydney.
M Heuston Kennedy - AAP Rooters.

It's an unusual advance guard, but the Gold City has begun its take over of the Emerald City by establishing a office of its University in Sydney's CBD (currently sharing the space with a Scientology Personality Testing Centre and a D&D gaming club).

"Believe you me. Soon, Sydney will be renamed 'North North North Ballarat'. This is just the beginning of our plans for the expansion of our golden town" said an un-named and imaginedcity councillor.

"The bloody soap-dodging hippies might finally shut the hell up aboutthe lake having dried up once we show them our boys rowing on North North NorthBallarat Harbour under the *Golden Arch!"

"We've some grand plans for NNNB, including the forced repatriation of all shirt-lifters to that nonce-hole Melbourne. We'll be keeping keeping most of the 'vagitarians' though. They might be rough as a dog's clacker, but many lezzers - the 'butch' ones I think they'recalled - are renowned hard workers and will form the vanguard of our new NNNB mining and construction efforts. They're like Malley Bulls some of em, but with twats, which, onreflection, isn't very bull-like is it? Anyway, we'll save millions on work-gear too as they all have their own dungarees and boots already."

Further plans discovered by this correspondent include a plan of rapid national expansionin which the the eventual annexation of Papua New Guinea is seen as a real possibility.

"Bogan-Ville sounds like a great name for a regional Capital in the Ballarat Sovereign (Hills) Empire." Said an utterly non-existent council spokesperson who said he enjoyed beer, golf, beer AND golf, sitting, sitting and beer, and reading - with a beer.

This correspondent was then treatedto a recital of a few passages from the spokesperson's favourite book called: "Me In Kamp F" a rollicking adventure tale of the Gold Rush which he related in what seemed to be a local twang, which to the unacustomed ears of this city-slicker reporter, sounded oddly Germanic.

"After NNNB, we'll move north again. Onwards and upwards we say. I mean, you can't have a place called "Queens" Land on the Northern border of the most glorious blokey Empire the world has ever seen can you? Especially after we've sent all the 'queens' to Melbourne where they'll never be seen again - mainly because no-one ever goes there. From there it's onto Bogan-Ville and shortly after, Indonesia which, as there are no Indians - or Esians - hardlymakes any sense as a name, so we'll just call the whole bloody thing China Town. Anyway, I better be off as it's Happy Hour at the Country Club (6 'til 11) and we're sacrificing a hippy to the lake-God tonight - plus there's a choock raffle. First prize is a ham!"

* The proposed new name for Sydney Harbour Bridge which, after being gilded, will beboth an eternal tribute to Ballarat's glorious past and the most ambitious partnership McDonald's has ever undertaken with a city dictatorship.