Reasons to be cheerful...

Reasons to be cheerful, part-free: somehow it feels like there's at least some chinks appearing in the foundations after our initial Summer of Love here in Australia. The period where we knew we'd be able to look back and say It Was a Time Before Kev'n Co Fucked It Up. Now we find ourselves wandering into what's feeling like a period of intense change. Of suddenly considering what if the Big Lie of International Finance could actually come a gutser? What if China asks for the money back? Even better - what if Rupert Murdoch is losing his cool?







Of course, it's not all peace, love and no more Howard; there's the imminent sign on the horizon of how we'll see the next commercial virus attack on the ABC - the dear old Beeb have just announced their first international advertising team. We'll see that here in a couple of years, folks, according to the Principle of the 5 Year Lag for South Pacific Peasants...


No reasons to be cheerful come more plenty than that. The ongoing developing of a new world sport right under our noses - a sport I've wanted a television show dedicated to for years.


I'm talking about World Series Protest, folks, and its time has come.

For now we are embarked on our very first series of globally televised Olympic Quality protests as the torch makes its way around the world, and I for one, welcome it.

From the get-go I want pay my respects to some of the quality protests that have come before this year - of course thre's been some awesome protests go on throughout the world over the decades, but I want to pay my respects to the people at the S11 protest back in 2000 in Melbourne, who via the most superior use of non-violent Tetris-based logic, managed quickly self-organise into a chain and re-arrange those big arse lego-brick plastic wall bollards and boxed the rough-tough Special Squad detachment of leeather gloved bruisers in fair and square.



The leatherboys were forced to admit defeat, and in a most Australian demonstration of sportsmanship, were kindly thanked for coming as they filed back out from the gateway of Crown to the back of the fray. Upon the world stage of protests involving all sorts of thrown, belted, stomped aggression, it made me feel proud to be an Aussie watching a crowd tell a loudmouthed yob to shut the fuck up and give the coppers a nice round of golf-clap applause as they walked back to the vans.

But ye cannae deny the sheer simple genius of the mad bastard who ran at the Olympic torch with a fire extinguisher...




Of course, the French can bring the noise when it comes to community turnout for a protest - and I only managed to catch my initial impressions of how the Olympic Torch Protest series went in gay Paree via the glory of the AM radio show,

(Sound of protesters jeering)RAFAEL EPSTEIN: With protesters visible ahead of the convoy on a bridge, a very concerned torch-bearer in a wheelchair was
suddenly stopped by the torch organisers, and the flame was extinguished on the
orders of shouting Chinese officials.

It was with complete surprise that I happened upon this French video showing the Chinese security team stopping the torch and really pissing off the big burly French judo champion who was trying to jog with it. A far cry from what the dear old ABC showed us on Lateline...

Today, the Torch arrives in Islamabad. And with it, the hopes and dreams of a nation raised on the idea of protest. Local communities with a long association of taking to the streets and throwing shit at the blokes with the big sticks and the mean looks. Of course, it's going well so far:

"Plans originally called for athletes to relay the torch along a nearly
two-mile route from the white marble parliament building to Jinnah Stadium,
but that was changed to just a run around the sports complex itself."

What could possibly go wrong? It's due in India next week - New Delhi to be accurate - we shall see how the local teams there take to it. And still very little word on how the Aussies are going about preparations, though. We've got a lot of tryhards amongst the diehards - do the creative and the funny still outnumber the surly and vicious? What creative heights do you imagine our national commercial news networks will rise to?

Will Kochie be the one to extinguish the flame - on the kerosene soaked robes of Stan Grant?

Just don't forget that we could be doing this again in four years time - albeit on a bigger, more international scale. A worldwide invitation to the meek, to the downtrodden, to the forever fucked over, to the folk who've been cut off from the riches of the 21st century - come and see if you can put the torch out. Stand up for your people and bring your mates - we're going to have a world -representative goon team, with thanks to our sponsors Blackwater Inc.



I want to see a return to that protest I saw years ago from Italy - it was not long after the movie Gladiator came out - when the locals invoked their own forebears and formed the perfect Roman infantry shield wall and roof,and advanced upon the poor old team with the water-cannon trucks and tear gas guns.

And I want to see our friends from Indonesia allowed to bring those fuckoff big bamboo poles withe flags on 'em to the party. There is classic news vision of which I can't quite find yet... so I can't quite exactly show those 18 foot poles getting deployed upon the hapless uniforms about 20 people behind the frontlines. Tt's hysterical... And I wanna see it - much more - on the telly...

When the radio's the world

A dozy grey Sunday morning is echoing with the previous night's rock'n soul party - and the first time I properly figured out the ridiculous ease and quality of plugging the 'puter into the stereo. And what a Saturday night - kitchen cookin' smells, liberal amounts of grape juice and Steve Cross knocking out the Many Moods of Mick Collins feature upon Beat Orgy, 6-8 Saturday nights on 3RRR FM through a tastefully crankin' set of speakers.

Thumpin' rock and soul taking the listeners off on a journey through a couple of decades and a shitload of bands under the uniting theme of the Big Bloke With the Bad Arse Shades, Mick Collins - meaning getting to hear loadsa Dirtbombs in the process. And did I mention Steve Cross? It was rock'n'roll radio heaven, reminding me all over again how good we get it not just in Melbourne, but Melbourne's legacy to those music radio lovers out of reach of the transmitter on Mount Dandenong. Steve Cross (I have heard some call him 'Crossy...') sounds like the suave, erudite and slyly wisecracking music journo we never had in Australian print.

Sure, there's been half-decent stuff, but there's something about the way this guy serves it up - there's the suggestion of the naively passionate collector nut buried behind the hipster who's not too cool, giving us something we've come to expect from Melbourne public radio - superbly crafted programs that leave you in a semi-hypnotic daze afterwards they've been so beautifully listenable, personable, amiable. And did we mention Mick Collins? And recommend the Dirtbombs latest We Have You Surrounded?... knocked out with bursts of regularity via our own Show each week... as reinforced by their awesome, Blow the Roof Off a Venue Without One show at Golden Plains this year... More coffee, more morning blast into a Sunday carvin' the ones and zeroes...

Jock Cheese: rest in peace cobber

Reports not published anywhere say Jock Cheese from TISM is dead. Oh, the ironing of a band who made pisstake and parody behind the veil of anonymity their business. No brief poignant tributes from the newsreaders. No current affairs show snippet with Molly. No epic video tribute session on Rage. I dunno if it's broken anywhere in the media yet - and by that I mean the only media channel who'd care about a really talented muscian of his calibre, Triple R.

I heard it from a friend of a friend of mine, if you want me source. I look forward to that feeling of wanting to punch something when I read the snooty 'in the know' article in the beiAge.

What can you say about a man who held down one of the fundamental positions in a band who were always too clever for the dickheads paid to write something interesting about them. I will never, ever forget the sage words of the prophets:

"why don't people find rock bands funny?"

TISM were funny. The funniest. And clever. And talented. And Jock Cheese was one of 'em. And he never took off his mask. And they never sold out/copped out/fucked out. And there will be no public shows of grief or anything as shit as Wally Meanie's infamous 'ciao bella' epigraph because these guys had no time for fools.

Jock had been sick for a while. In fact, it's my dodgily held theory that you can pick up some lyrical hints as to how sick he'd been in songs such as this:

My best concert experiences are of TISM gigs. Monash Uni, Old Greek Theatre, Rosebud Drive In, Prince of Wales, Collingwood Town Hall, EVs in Croydon, Big Day Out. All awesome. Never a shit night.

I'm glad Jock got to knock out some solo stuff and hit the road touring it. I'm glad we never knew who they were, although I'm sure some self-important fuckhead at the Hun or the Beige will dig it up in the 'public interest'.

Yes, the spirit of TISM lives on in the band Root! And bless Humphrey B Flaubert and his unseasonably large sack of goodness for putting the cunty back into country. But nothing, nothing will compare with the opening bass lick of I'm Interested in Apathy for wanting to get this big dopey Skip on the dancefloor.

Jock, you made us realise just how fucking average so much modern music is. And I thank you.

Show With No Name playlist April 8

The Light an Olympic Torch for Sally from Home and Away Tribute Show
We promise. We never heard of the video. Anyhoo, tonight we rocked out good and hard for a couple of epic, historic moments. Sally from Home and Away has left, leaving a Grand Canyonesque hole in the Australian minor celebrity grid (just think! now everyone will demand their own mini-issue of TV Week).

Husker Du - Sorry Somehow
The Bellrays - Change the World
The Saints - Erotic Neurotic
The Dirtbombs - Leopard Man at C&A
Kiss - Watchin' You
Big Mama Thornton - Hound Dog
King Curly - I Am Coming Back
Alice Cooper - Cold Ethyl
Frank Zappa - Zomby Woof
The Hives - Outsmarted

The 7 O'Clock Do You Remember the Episode Where Sally Went Nude Car Surfing Slot
Motorhead - I'm So Bad Baby I Don't Care
The Monarchs - Loud
Dead Kennedies - Drug Me
Butthole Surfers - Some Dispute About T-Shirt Sales
The Supersuckers - On the Couch

The Who - 5:15
Soul Asylum - Get On Out
Prisonshake - Bedtime Beats You Senseless
Detroit Cobras - Slummer the Slum
Nebula - Do It Now
Sonic Youth - Youth Against Fascism
Painters and Dockers - Die Yuppie Die
Wayne Kramer - Boys Got that Look
The Von Bondies - It Came From Japan
Bay City Rollers - Shang A Lang

What they hey - here's a band I never heard of doing a cover of a toe-tappin' Ministry number... dedicated to all the people on television.

Ideas for Ballarat 2020

There's a gathering in Ballarat today of 150 people selected as the best, brightest, most visionary in the local land, sitting down and knocking out ideas for their local member Catherine King - for her to dutifully bind together in a specially labelled ring-binder, cover in pithy post-it notes and place on the ever-expanding desk of Prime Tin-Tinester Kevin Rudd.

I managed to call the media guy for Catherine King and asked if anyone could pop down and have a chat. Or even have a listen to what was being said. The short answer was... no. Apparently what these people discuss and chalk down for the future of Ballarat is not for Ballarat people to know. Knowing what the popularly elected member for Ballarat will do with the opinions of these fellow electors is not for the electorate to know.

In light of that, here's my basic questions/discussion tips for Ballarat's future in 12 years time.

- stop electing pitiful dickheads to your local Council and then complaining about the pitiful dickheads at the local Council.

- why is it a small cabal of former private school rowers can command the Council and State Government to pour millions of dollars into refilling a lake that has gone dry?

- how come one ex-police officer can control nearly all of the licensed venues on one block of one town?

- why is it the Begonia Festival can drain the council of so much money when so many people of Ballarat think it's shit and never go?

- how much money did the Council sink into the Sovereign Hill Music Festival, and why didn't they book any local artists?

- if there's such a skills shortage, why then does the newly opened UB Tech have such a low number of students?

- how can one cinema manage to maintain a monopoly on cinemas, and why do they insist on showing only shit films continually, with only the briefest of schedules for anything vaguelly grown-up?

- do you really think the superpipe is going to fix all your water worries?

All these questions and more... but my feeling is we'll get muddled gravy of bureaucratese feel-good, with some basic keywords: "sustainability" "fighting obesity" "lowering petrol prices".

Meanwhile... the ship continues to flounder.

Show With No Name playlist April 1st

This week found us broadcasting on that most auspicous of occasions - the day after Angus Young's birthday. An important date - just to know that a 53 year old man is still making money by dressing up in a school uniform and hammering out guitar solos is alright by us.

This week was also special because Voice FM's program manager had supplied me with a special rectal vocoder implant, allowing me to transmit my thoughts through my arse and onto the airwaves, where once I was forced to communicate with only the aid of an Etch O Sketch and superb mime skills.

AC/DC - Let's Get It Up

The Vandals - Come Out Fighting

Lunachicks - Say What You Mean

The Misfits - Helena

TISM - 10 points for a Razor Scooter

Agnostic Front - Anthem

Dead Milkmen - Punk Rock Girl

The Descendants - Rotting Out

The Hold Steady - Your Little Hoodrat Friend

Rancid - U Don't Care Nothin'

Iron Maiden - Powerslave

Sublime - We're Only Gonna Die For Our Arrogance

7O'Clock Drown Out the Drama Mix

Pennywise - It's Up to Me

Dramarama - Anything, Anything

Mid Youth Crisis - Mid Youth Crisis

AC/DC - Kicked in the Teeth Again

Henry Rollins - What's the Matter Man

Gorilla Biscuits - Start Today

Helmet - Biscuits for Smut

AFI - My Michelle

Black Sabbath - Faeries Wear Boots

Fugazi - Waiting Room

Fishbone - Let Them Ho's Fight

Circle Jerks - Group Sex

Ramones - Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment

Van Halen - Ain't Talkin About Love

Bay City Rollers - Bang Shang Alang

BMX Brand X ride again

And the verdict? The Brand X boys let loose with a mighty roar of rock that threatened to drown out the Sunday arvo's reverie right across the town. I went a block away to a servo to get a can of drink and could hardly hear myself in the shop. Noice. The teenagers were all suitably surly and unimpressed. The band who owned the P.A were... adequate. 10 Second Riot is a great name for a band. Now they just gotta write some songs to match.

The bands set up on the edge of the skatebowl apron, and bychrist did a couple of the riders give it a red hot go. Props to the guy who continually tried to pull off the 720 degree spin and continually came within a pube's length of nutting himself. Big-ups to the poor little bugger who found out who wins in a game of Razor Scooter versus BMX. Seeing what looked like a 3 year old strapped into a camo-green helmet and wraparound glasses calmly trot out on his mini-scooter while all about him insane teenagers on BMXs flashed past with nary a care gave me hope that a new generation of youngsters without fear is on its way.

I'm talking, of course, of the inaugural Fuck this All Ages Gig At A Venue Bullshit Let's Just Set Up and Give It A Crack at the Skatebowl gig last Sunday, which for all purposes, went very nicely. Always nice to see some coppers running the barbie and handing out snags to the very people they're used to hassling. It was so easy, so stress-free, so easily organised there is no possibility of it happening again this year. Why would ya? Someone said it might happen again next year....

Me? I set up the Dodgy DJ kit in secret and patched into the P.A system. It all went rockin, until I was given the nastiest, most terrible thing a DJ could hear. "Could you turn it down? Some of the kids say they can't hear each other speaking." Outrageous. This is what 11 years of unmitigated evil in the shape of a man built only of eyebrows and fundamentalist Christian dogma brings.

Tomorrow we have another Show With No Name. Somehow I'm going to have to work in the classic Break the Ice by John Farnham. The very keen will know it's John's contribution to the classic BMX film Rad. In fact, here's John in all his glory for you right now - hope Lenny's not watching....