When the radio's the world

A dozy grey Sunday morning is echoing with the previous night's rock'n soul party - and the first time I properly figured out the ridiculous ease and quality of plugging the 'puter into the stereo. And what a Saturday night - kitchen cookin' smells, liberal amounts of grape juice and Steve Cross knocking out the Many Moods of Mick Collins feature upon Beat Orgy, 6-8 Saturday nights on 3RRR FM through a tastefully crankin' set of speakers.

Thumpin' rock and soul taking the listeners off on a journey through a couple of decades and a shitload of bands under the uniting theme of the Big Bloke With the Bad Arse Shades, Mick Collins - meaning getting to hear loadsa Dirtbombs in the process. And did I mention Steve Cross? It was rock'n'roll radio heaven, reminding me all over again how good we get it not just in Melbourne, but Melbourne's legacy to those music radio lovers out of reach of the transmitter on Mount Dandenong. Steve Cross (I have heard some call him 'Crossy...') sounds like the suave, erudite and slyly wisecracking music journo we never had in Australian print.

Sure, there's been half-decent stuff, but there's something about the way this guy serves it up - there's the suggestion of the naively passionate collector nut buried behind the hipster who's not too cool, giving us something we've come to expect from Melbourne public radio - superbly crafted programs that leave you in a semi-hypnotic daze afterwards they've been so beautifully listenable, personable, amiable. And did we mention Mick Collins? And recommend the Dirtbombs latest We Have You Surrounded?... knocked out with bursts of regularity via our own Show each week... as reinforced by their awesome, Blow the Roof Off a Venue Without One show at Golden Plains this year... More coffee, more morning blast into a Sunday carvin' the ones and zeroes...

Jock Cheese: rest in peace cobber

Reports not published anywhere say Jock Cheese from TISM is dead. Oh, the ironing of a band who made pisstake and parody behind the veil of anonymity their business. No brief poignant tributes from the newsreaders. No current affairs show snippet with Molly. No epic video tribute session on Rage. I dunno if it's broken anywhere in the media yet - and by that I mean the only media channel who'd care about a really talented muscian of his calibre, Triple R.

I heard it from a friend of a friend of mine, if you want me source. I look forward to that feeling of wanting to punch something when I read the snooty 'in the know' article in the beiAge.

What can you say about a man who held down one of the fundamental positions in a band who were always too clever for the dickheads paid to write something interesting about them. I will never, ever forget the sage words of the prophets:

"why don't people find rock bands funny?"

TISM were funny. The funniest. And clever. And talented. And Jock Cheese was one of 'em. And he never took off his mask. And they never sold out/copped out/fucked out. And there will be no public shows of grief or anything as shit as Wally Meanie's infamous 'ciao bella' epigraph because these guys had no time for fools.

Jock had been sick for a while. In fact, it's my dodgily held theory that you can pick up some lyrical hints as to how sick he'd been in songs such as this:

My best concert experiences are of TISM gigs. Monash Uni, Old Greek Theatre, Rosebud Drive In, Prince of Wales, Collingwood Town Hall, EVs in Croydon, Big Day Out. All awesome. Never a shit night.

I'm glad Jock got to knock out some solo stuff and hit the road touring it. I'm glad we never knew who they were, although I'm sure some self-important fuckhead at the Hun or the Beige will dig it up in the 'public interest'.

Yes, the spirit of TISM lives on in the band Root! And bless Humphrey B Flaubert and his unseasonably large sack of goodness for putting the cunty back into country. But nothing, nothing will compare with the opening bass lick of I'm Interested in Apathy for wanting to get this big dopey Skip on the dancefloor.

Jock, you made us realise just how fucking average so much modern music is. And I thank you.

Show With No Name playlist April 8

The Light an Olympic Torch for Sally from Home and Away Tribute Show
We promise. We never heard of the video. Anyhoo, tonight we rocked out good and hard for a couple of epic, historic moments. Sally from Home and Away has left, leaving a Grand Canyonesque hole in the Australian minor celebrity grid (just think! now everyone will demand their own mini-issue of TV Week).

Husker Du - Sorry Somehow
The Bellrays - Change the World
The Saints - Erotic Neurotic
The Dirtbombs - Leopard Man at C&A
Kiss - Watchin' You
Big Mama Thornton - Hound Dog
King Curly - I Am Coming Back
Alice Cooper - Cold Ethyl
Frank Zappa - Zomby Woof
The Hives - Outsmarted

The 7 O'Clock Do You Remember the Episode Where Sally Went Nude Car Surfing Slot
Motorhead - I'm So Bad Baby I Don't Care
The Monarchs - Loud
Dead Kennedies - Drug Me
Butthole Surfers - Some Dispute About T-Shirt Sales
The Supersuckers - On the Couch

The Who - 5:15
Soul Asylum - Get On Out
Prisonshake - Bedtime Beats You Senseless
Detroit Cobras - Slummer the Slum
Nebula - Do It Now
Sonic Youth - Youth Against Fascism
Painters and Dockers - Die Yuppie Die
Wayne Kramer - Boys Got that Look
The Von Bondies - It Came From Japan
Bay City Rollers - Shang A Lang

What they hey - here's a band I never heard of doing a cover of a toe-tappin' Ministry number... dedicated to all the people on television.

Ideas for Ballarat 2020

There's a gathering in Ballarat today of 150 people selected as the best, brightest, most visionary in the local land, sitting down and knocking out ideas for their local member Catherine King - for her to dutifully bind together in a specially labelled ring-binder, cover in pithy post-it notes and place on the ever-expanding desk of Prime Tin-Tinester Kevin Rudd.

I managed to call the media guy for Catherine King and asked if anyone could pop down and have a chat. Or even have a listen to what was being said. The short answer was... no. Apparently what these people discuss and chalk down for the future of Ballarat is not for Ballarat people to know. Knowing what the popularly elected member for Ballarat will do with the opinions of these fellow electors is not for the electorate to know.

In light of that, here's my basic questions/discussion tips for Ballarat's future in 12 years time.

- stop electing pitiful dickheads to your local Council and then complaining about the pitiful dickheads at the local Council.

- why is it a small cabal of former private school rowers can command the Council and State Government to pour millions of dollars into refilling a lake that has gone dry?

- how come one ex-police officer can control nearly all of the licensed venues on one block of one town?

- why is it the Begonia Festival can drain the council of so much money when so many people of Ballarat think it's shit and never go?

- how much money did the Council sink into the Sovereign Hill Music Festival, and why didn't they book any local artists?

- if there's such a skills shortage, why then does the newly opened UB Tech have such a low number of students?

- how can one cinema manage to maintain a monopoly on cinemas, and why do they insist on showing only shit films continually, with only the briefest of schedules for anything vaguelly grown-up?

- do you really think the superpipe is going to fix all your water worries?

All these questions and more... but my feeling is we'll get muddled gravy of bureaucratese feel-good, with some basic keywords: "sustainability" "fighting obesity" "lowering petrol prices".

Meanwhile... the ship continues to flounder.

Show With No Name playlist April 1st

This week found us broadcasting on that most auspicous of occasions - the day after Angus Young's birthday. An important date - just to know that a 53 year old man is still making money by dressing up in a school uniform and hammering out guitar solos is alright by us.

This week was also special because Voice FM's program manager had supplied me with a special rectal vocoder implant, allowing me to transmit my thoughts through my arse and onto the airwaves, where once I was forced to communicate with only the aid of an Etch O Sketch and superb mime skills.

AC/DC - Let's Get It Up

The Vandals - Come Out Fighting

Lunachicks - Say What You Mean

The Misfits - Helena

TISM - 10 points for a Razor Scooter

Agnostic Front - Anthem

Dead Milkmen - Punk Rock Girl

The Descendants - Rotting Out

The Hold Steady - Your Little Hoodrat Friend

Rancid - U Don't Care Nothin'

Iron Maiden - Powerslave

Sublime - We're Only Gonna Die For Our Arrogance

7O'Clock Drown Out the Drama Mix

Pennywise - It's Up to Me

Dramarama - Anything, Anything

Mid Youth Crisis - Mid Youth Crisis

AC/DC - Kicked in the Teeth Again

Henry Rollins - What's the Matter Man

Gorilla Biscuits - Start Today

Helmet - Biscuits for Smut

AFI - My Michelle

Black Sabbath - Faeries Wear Boots

Fugazi - Waiting Room

Fishbone - Let Them Ho's Fight

Circle Jerks - Group Sex

Ramones - Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment

Van Halen - Ain't Talkin About Love

Bay City Rollers - Bang Shang Alang

BMX Brand X ride again

And the verdict? The Brand X boys let loose with a mighty roar of rock that threatened to drown out the Sunday arvo's reverie right across the town. I went a block away to a servo to get a can of drink and could hardly hear myself in the shop. Noice. The teenagers were all suitably surly and unimpressed. The band who owned the P.A were... adequate. 10 Second Riot is a great name for a band. Now they just gotta write some songs to match.

The bands set up on the edge of the skatebowl apron, and bychrist did a couple of the riders give it a red hot go. Props to the guy who continually tried to pull off the 720 degree spin and continually came within a pube's length of nutting himself. Big-ups to the poor little bugger who found out who wins in a game of Razor Scooter versus BMX. Seeing what looked like a 3 year old strapped into a camo-green helmet and wraparound glasses calmly trot out on his mini-scooter while all about him insane teenagers on BMXs flashed past with nary a care gave me hope that a new generation of youngsters without fear is on its way.

I'm talking, of course, of the inaugural Fuck this All Ages Gig At A Venue Bullshit Let's Just Set Up and Give It A Crack at the Skatebowl gig last Sunday, which for all purposes, went very nicely. Always nice to see some coppers running the barbie and handing out snags to the very people they're used to hassling. It was so easy, so stress-free, so easily organised there is no possibility of it happening again this year. Why would ya? Someone said it might happen again next year....

Me? I set up the Dodgy DJ kit in secret and patched into the P.A system. It all went rockin, until I was given the nastiest, most terrible thing a DJ could hear. "Could you turn it down? Some of the kids say they can't hear each other speaking." Outrageous. This is what 11 years of unmitigated evil in the shape of a man built only of eyebrows and fundamentalist Christian dogma brings.

Tomorrow we have another Show With No Name. Somehow I'm going to have to work in the classic Break the Ice by John Farnham. The very keen will know it's John's contribution to the classic BMX film Rad. In fact, here's John in all his glory for you right now - hope Lenny's not watching....

Do you wanna DJ me gig?

That's not what he really said. The man known as Jones rang. He said there was a gig at the Ballarat skatepark. His band, the Best Boy Band in Ballarat, were gonna play. Condition was, the guy who owns the P.A. and he has a band, too.

Thinking this could go anywhere, I wondered....


Because the Brand X are a bunch of guys in their 30s holding on to the dream of fuckin' loud, fast, funny music.. I heard these guys the night I met Hot Thighs, my gorgeous girlfriend. First thing I thought was 'hillbilly fugazi'. Which is pretty accurate, except any accusations of being straight edge...

But this other band? Could be a bit soft... And when you're old, you want to let the skaters know that loud, ugly music is a family. And the elders must be respected. Ladeez and gennilmen, this is how the Brand X take to techno...


It's a four hour gig. One of the bands plays really fast, quick songs. Umm... and it looks like the 'DJ rig' is going to be a portable CD stereo patched through a mixer into the P.A.... cheap? punk? p'shaw!

And take that fuckin' mp3 player outta here, kid! I'm tryin' to patch me record player into that gas barbie!