Stawell closed, Ballarat Gift to be opened

It's official: Ballarat is so bereft of ideas of its own it's taken to grabbing whatever is happening up the road at the neighbours' joint.

Thanks to some B-town oldtimers in the Premier's Department the folks at Stawell got the "you're on your own, tiger" mail from the Guvmint, and approximately 35 seconds later a press release went out from the Shitty of Ballarat that they'd help by moving the whole lot to Sturt Street.

We're a bit excited about the Ballarat Gift. So much so we took to the streets of the interwebs and asked people what they thought the Ballarat Gift involved:

"The Ballarat Gift is being able to walk home from the pub and not be beaten to a pulp" - Len

"Will you be allowed to use a shopping trolley and beat anyone to death who gets in your way?" - Tim

"The Ballarat Gift will be the greatest public assembly in Ballarat since the last time an Adelaide footy team made the AFL finals" - Jamie

"A Ballarat Gift is where you get beaten up outside the pub, but they don't kick you in the head or steal your gold claim." - Matt

"I think the Ballarat Gift is something you're born with. Makes it easier to get Centrelink payments." - Tim

"Heh heh! I remember when high school teachers had to stomp out flaming bags of Ballarat Gift left on the porch." - Mick

"The Ballarat Gift: a winter's day above 10 degrees" - Jamie

"The Ballarat Gift: being able to kick on in the backyard at a party in a t-shirt no matter what season." - Steve

But what route will the runners be taking in Ballarat?

An early leaked report states that the Ballarat Stawellen Gift will indeed be run at night - along Lydiard Street, down Policeman's Alley, past Karova, through the carpark at Big W and Dan Murphy's, through the Mall, intothe Safeway carpark - an obligatory dimmie stop at the Hamburger Cart - and then in to the police station.

If you can make it that far without being beaten by vicious teenage thugs on a Smirnoff Ice frenzy, you get a souvenir hand-picked by Ballarat historical character Bendy Vendy.

The question we have to ask right now is: can you run a footrace holding a bunch of begonias?

Stay tuned - our Deep Sole has promised much more inside news from the depths of our elected representatives!

Monorail on Sturt Street, volcano theme park for Buninyong

A leaked Ballarat Council report shows plans are being drawn up to connect Black Hill, Sovereign Hill and the circumference of Lake Wendouree via an ultra modern monorail system. Another theme park submitted was a “Moonbase Alpha”-style resort to be constructed on the dry bed of Lake Wendouree, complete with a giant perspex dome, although rumour has it, that perhaps the lake would be better served with the construction of an Atlantis or Venice based theme park, taking into account that the lake will eventually be filled with grey water by 2010. Local band “Toxic Mermaids” is lobbying for the former.

Not to be left out, Buninyong has presented a submission for some major works to be done inside Mount Buninyong. The Buninyong Shire Council is seeking Government sponsorship as well as private Japanese investors to excavate inside the crater of Mount Buninyong and dig kilometres deep into the Earth’s crust in order to construct a “Journey to the Centre of the Earth” type theme park and underground resort.

A final “Lay on the giant Atlantean Sacrificial Bowl and experience gravitational force that will take your breath away..." -type ride is yet to be approved by Council liability experts

Some of the highlights will be a ‘ghost train ride’ through a catacomb of lava vents and chambers, a Giant Crystal chamber maze, lit by its own phosphorescent light, an echo chamber, an underground forest of Giant Mushrooms next to an underground sea (plans to utilise the Central Highlands water table), complete with self generating storm and whirlpool, plus a replica of Atlantis as well as giant prehistoric dinosaurs. A final “Lay on the giant Atlantean Sacrificial Bowl and experience gravitational force that will take your breath away, as a larva surge rockets you up Mount Warrenheip’s volcanic vent before you shoot skywards and land on the back of the Trojan Horse at Kryal Castle” type ride is yet to be approved by Council liability experts.



In a audacious regional marketing coup, tourists are also being offered an excellent day trip from Buninyong, to the community at Lal Lal Falls, with an announced 10 billion dollar investment from Rose Hancock to convert Lal Lal Falls, its Gorge and surrounds into a glistening all natural health spa and retreat. Construction has begun around the gorge with fairytale castles being carved from the very walls in the style of Middle Earth from the JRR Tolkien/Peter Jackson series of blockbuster movies. The water table is being tapped to add extra sparkling liquid to the equation in the form of many extra waterfalls within the gorge.

Loud grating music has been banned from the area and Enya
has been contracted to play at the resort 6 nights per week, for the first 5 years as soon as it opens.

The focal point for the retreat will be at the top of the falls where it has been discovered the Fountain of Youth actually exists. The locals have already been breeding their children to be predisposed to almond shaped eyes and pronounced pointy ears. Babies are being surgically enhanced to grow into replicas of Gwyneth Paltrow and Orlando Bloom. Loud grating music has been banned from the area and Enya has been contracted to play at the resort 6 nights per week, for the first 5 years as soon as it opens.

After taking in all of the above revelations and proposals, this seemingly invisible Rocket Launching pad, constructed under the very noses of Ballarat residents, has served not only to benefit Ballarat and the surrounding district as a whole, but to unite a tired and apathetic town, bringing new life to its ailing economy, as it blossoms into a truly 21st Century metropolis.

Part 2 in a new series exposing the business of development and construction-lead recovery in Ballarat. Coming soon: Hospital Emergency Department to be Sponsored by Tattersall's

- published by Vinnie the Skip for and on behalf of the Shadow

For more up to date inside news in Ballarat, stay tuned to the Show With No Name, Tuesday nights on Voice FM - or podcast whenever we get around to it

Show With No Name podcast February 17ish

Bringing back the respect.

That's what we're doing.

The Show With No Name has been riding the rails for the last couple of weeks, and brings back the goodies better'n a bag of steaming dimmies from the Glansburger Cart late on a friday night.

Buckle in, pour yourself a steaming hot mug of fizz and allow Len and Mick to well and truly kick it in the guts, Barry:


Part 01



The awesome power of the Spading of the Oldest Dong in the Shop; the legend of Ballarat's Eureka Dong - and the foundation of the democratic tip or crack settling of local elections; Dennis WalterDisney's magnificent tribute to the contents of cut price cereals at the Sydney Myer Brisbane Bowl in 36 hour marathon entitled 'Breakfast in the Bowl'... it gets emotional with the Dennis/Nick Cave moment.

And in music news - the move of Scottish rock bands into porn, and the controversy over a particular band over their song, bumkit solos and the DVD(A) shenanigans in a hotel room. The history of the Buggering Sound, and the link between Bill Oddie and Big Country.

Part 02

2009. The oh-nineties. Will the tens be tense? That's where we start in part 02 of the return to the O'Brien room in Ballarat for this Show With No Name.

The new hirsute tattoos, Queensland Kerri-Ann's special Alice Cooper design; the Ballarat Lurid Thatter's new production of a rare Stravinsky production, and the history of small theatre companies creating truly Australian magnificence in performance; the new television crisis on the Biggest Loser, when one of the contestants is revealed as being three dwarfs in a fat suit - and then it gets weird.

Stay for the thousand bags of chips eaten under an armpit...

Ballarat's other radio program, the Show With No Name - putting bums on radio since 2005.

Slaughter on Sturt Street, or Bakery Hill Blues

Oh... the synchronicity. The strange and beautiful Ballarat madness of the December calendar where, in the same week 154 years ago in the town where some blokes had stood on a hill and asked about getting a fairer deal from the guys they were paying all the taxes to... (then got a right bollocking one morning after a largish pissup at the Stockade)... the hyper fit/fat/fried/funky/fucked up folks of fair B-Town did crushingly kick their former local government representatives in the goolies.

The fleeting moments - so special. Seeing that awkward, bustling handshake between former Mayor Quimby and The Constable on WIN TV. It was all in the eyes... Good luck with the charges, Quimby... yeah - and the Constable was one of the very few from the Good Old Dick 'Cock Swingin' days of yore, when the money flowed free and it was about trade trips to India and Community Fact Finding trips to East Timor, who didn't get a bollocking.

Of being told by one of B-Town's fair citizens that it was Punchin' Jude Violin who was to thank for the 'monstrosity' on Bakery Hill, Australia's holiest of democratic turf... no, not the Mickey D's (which tends to find its way into every shot of the big Eureka flag on the roundabout)...the huge Gay Tent City store. That's Ballarat for ya.

Miss Desperate High School Musical Housewives got in, too - and she apparently used get all switchblade and West Side Story with Violin not long after joining the Party... makes you wonder what phone calls Balla's last serving Liberal senator might be making to the Olde Money about his Nouveau Cached Uppe Riche young apprentice...

And Dusty Ned from the Sex Pistols - who lost his seat but maybe kinda knew you can't become a mayor if you're a bankrupt, and um... who knows? Maybe you're ahead of the fashion and bankrupt elected officials will come into vogue, but... true to form he stayed on message, saying it was those fuckers who read the newspapers wuz wot got 'im in the end. And I agree.

Here's what the Ballarat City Council website has to say about the matter when you go looking for the new team...

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Page last updated: 28 November 2008, © City of Ballarat 2008

It's been a big week... and it's only Wednesday...

Happy Eureka Day, all you great Australian trouble makers

Show No Mercy

Well it's good to be back in the Show With No Name Dimsim Research Kitchen. And my, haven't things been hectic in B-town. This is one of the bestest and funniest local elections I've never seen - and I've ignored a lot of local politics in my time on this rock. Regardless, I would like to dedicate this clip to Steven Jones, the mayor with the most punk rock of all names and the beard with the most ZZ Top/Ned Kelly allusions in government in the 21st century. We salute you...



(hang out for the pose and strut to the mic at 3:30 that could have turned Ballarat around... that's all Jonesy had to do... reform Chiodo, get Dirty Frank a beaten up old Flying Vee to knock out his licks... and knock it out for the masses in the Titanic bandstand on Sturt Street.)

Thanks, Jonesy, for blaming 'the media'.

Personally I've never listened to Mr Hooper on 3BA but I hear there's fun had in trying to get on to Buy, Sell, Pay Off or Swap...

...oh yeah. That new media from your friendly neighborhood ShowNoName podcast and such is comin' too... just getting the soy sauce on now, should be a mp3 encoded jiffy in just a few...