Sunday, March 16, 2008

Hot Autumn ideas for Ballarat Festivals



It's stinking hot... have only just now managed to pry Mick out of the refrigerator. Looked like he was holding a global warming conference in the salad drawer. Probably explained all the mayonaise everywhere. Lenny was last seen with a bass amp pouring smoke, carvings the words 23rd of Elvis ROCK into the minds of those at the Karova Bar. Anyhoo, we've been casting around the interwebs and we think we have some surefire hits to bring to the people of Ballarat...

Traditional Swan Strangling festival

Details are sktechy, but Mick tells me there is a long and honoured tradition in Ballarat for this, and it's high time the citizens paid for a festival to celebrate it.
Along with the Animals of Australia Who Threaten Little Kids Parade there will be a jazz component, with former members of Chiodo joining with Adam Simmons (who'll be playing an unprecedented 17 instruments at once), with the backing of the Sweet Monas on a Australia Council funded project simply called "Swan strangle sextet with chicken choke chorus."

Sly and the Family Vendy will play support on the night

Single Mum Sexpo
Featuring: 'Mars MILF of the Year'
Three day festival hosted in the hotspot of Delacomb - the suburb spurting with growth.
Located next to the Ballarat Tradesman's Convention.
Free childcare

The Dirty Frank Movie Festival
Come see Dirty Harry, Sudden Impact, Magnum Force, the Enforcer, The Dead Pool - with the classic soundtracks re-interpreted for accordion and by Ballarat's own Frank Callahan. All your favourite movies with interlude music performed live by the original 'Dirty' homocidal force for goodness and decency, Frank Callahan with a chorusline of victims performed by the best of Ballarat's thriving community theatre community..

Xtreme Footpath Warriors

A localised version of the Ultimate Warrior series: groups of big blokes belting the bejesus out of each other on the streets of Ballarat. The rest of us can bet money on it. Some of the money will be used for charity.

The Small Business Festival

Can you open a medium sized business on Sturt Street and reduce it to a smaller business, and then nothing at all in one week?Viewers can vote for whoever they hated in high school. Features the 'What shop is that?' tour of shops for people over 80, explaining the changes in the last week or three years.

In Frank Tonight - Frank Callahan's live to air variety show live from the Casablanca Club's All Night Bingo and Beats party. (Ladies bring a platter...) A non-stop cavalcade of Frank's favourite songs. And ads for Frank's DVDs and hygiene products. And looped favourites of Frank's most voted for Songs For Begging Cigarettes at the Plaza.

It's a Medieval Knockout
This once revered tv show reinvented for the jackass generation, aired live and uncut every friday night. with such fine events as:

Rave Jousting - brave boys hopped up on a heady brew of courage and cleaning products, atop horses given an industrial strength dose of Sudafeds to beat the 'flu. With DJs: Norman Dunnstown, the Vite Vite Posse, the Pleasant Hilltop Hoods and the Black Hill Mob.

Drug Search Obstacle Course and Rally - each contestant starts at the Deer Park service station and is handed a small package of pills. Contestants must use a combination of driving the backroads through Rockbank and Buninyong and deep cavity usage in the competition to avoid any detection in a series of police searches and pursuits.

Crusty demons Equestean Team - ever seen a horse do a 360 flip? Nup, neither of we. So we started this team. Be There. Be There! BEEE THEEEEEERE!!!!

Lay Back and Think of England
Brave boys hopped up on a heady brew of courage and veterinary products are placed in stirrups with their goolies on display. They are presented with a series from the Kryal Castle's special 18th century gynacological instrument collection - the first one who involuntarily squeezes their knees shut is out. And then we take SMS votes on how to use the instrument on them.


Extreme Ferris Wheels
Lake Wendouree is turned into battleground of converted Ferris Wheels, operating as single hubbbed monster trucks, powered by chemical waste products and converted steam technology, pumped from the water bores in the homes that surround Lake Wendouree. Extreme tractor and mower driving demonstrations as well.


Wendouree Warrior
Lake Wendouree is caged and turned into a tribute/replica of the Mad Max 3 movie, complete with cage and bungee ropes with a special vehicle arena, allowing for demolition derby-style Carmaggeddon action.