Thursday, June 12, 2008

Comedy my arse

Hello Fans,

What is the attraction of the ineffectual gonk?
Everywhere one looks these day, there's another example of an inept twerp simpering about how "useless" they are for laughs and making other fucking oxygen thieves feel good about their lives.

Case in point.
Reading today in one of the nation's broadsheet arse rags, I quote; "Flight of the Conchords is the funniest show on television". (end bullshit)

Upon reading this I partly rejoiced, for it means that the boob-tube has now become so piss weak, so brickishly dull that people may start doing things like shoe cleaning or gutter de-clagging as a preferable option to being dribbled upon by the electric bukkake of light entertainment.

For those of you spared "The Flight of The Conchords" kiwi infused poop, every episode runs like this

Fool 1- I'm inept
Fool 2- I too am inept, but not as inept as you

(Sight gag proving Fool 2 is, in fact, more inept than Fool 1)

Fool 2 - Curses!
Fool 1- Lets sing a song about how furniture makes us glad.


??????? Huh? Wha????
Sheer buttocky scrape.

And for those who like their shows in a Kervorkian stylee, may I suggest you expose yourself to five futile minutes of "Balls of Steel".
This filthy little pile of steam works on the premise that people shitting people to death is funny.

Now, I don't know about you, (thank Christ), but I'd just like to put my hand up and say I've got enough to shit me in this world without paying money to watch some cunt kick a Nana up the arse for laughs.
Buncha fuckin goons mugging for cheap laughs.
If the aforementioned Balls were made of steel, perhaps they could actually take a risk and present some comedy that would maybe get them in a bit of troub.

Some suggestions include..
A home make over for your Austrian Dungeon? Or maybe getting up the front of a Mosque and mooning the faithful when they do that bendy over thing? Start selling shares in Antarctic oil to investors? Maybe faking adoption papers for that 42-kg tumour they removed from the Indian rickshaw driver today? Driving round the Whitehouse with "Paint it Black" blaring from a tricked out ride? Anything that doesn't involve picking on some poor bastard just trying to get through the day?

But noooooo......just a bunch of lackwits harassing their fellow folk so that people who own television stations can add another rumpus room to the Death Star.
Balls of Steel? Balls of fucking cheese, you lank witted scrot fondlers.

But while I've got my spleen in my hand, lets just pile some more script diddlers onto this bonfire of blag.

Rove McAnus. Australia's answer to Webster. It's a pity our African neighbours don't kill television personalities for bush meat.

Tripod. Puerile nincompoops blarting out the same song again and again about how Galaga is better than a girlfriend and how they wish their Nintendo had a box. Prannies all.

That McDermott thing. Is he poking that talentless blonde blow-up or what? Every time I've glanced at her over wrought monologue, I can feel the lighting guy wanting to drop something on her gibbering head.
As for that McDermott thing...apart from having a head that looks like a shitty Pixie caught in a three accordion pile up, I'm sure I'm not alone in saying "If the sheer realisation that you are a fuggling hack doesn't shut you up, perhaps several very hard blows to the face will. (tip your waitress. Try the veal etc.)"

Who else.......Julia Zemiro! (please.....can you just talk like a person rather than a ring leader in CirqueDuMerde? If we can record the pristine mumbles of Lou Reed then we can safely assume microphone technology doesn't need you to yell like a fishwife selling cushions)

And any "Personality" that does those 20 to 1 abortions with Bert "Still here, ya bastards!" Newton. (Can we please get Amnesty International to give Nick Gianopoulos a job somewhere? That poor bastard...every line he delivers is like watching an old, old man desperately flap his floppy cock up against a bored prostitute.)

Hamish Blake! (Whassamatter? Ran outta funny stuff there, young fella? No more cred cause you can dry and chop up yer snot and snort it again for that 3 o'clock buzz? Used all your funny lines after being pumped every day on radio, Tv and Martian space probe? Falling into the trap of being a desperate compulsive joke belcher? Word got round you're a dud root? May i suggest taking some time off to suck shit, you furtive freckle fondler)

And of course Shaun "had it, lost it, oh no...found it gone..hang on, there it .....bugger it...." Micallef, (word to the wise, Shauny baby, The dream is over. You are getting dangerously close to being offered Larry Emdur's old job. You could have made something really cool. But you didn't. You could have whacked out something as fucking funny and dry and great as "The Games". You could have been the thinking man's Norman Gunston. But you blew it all on cheap gags and fancy light bulbs for your mirror. Bob Dylan is funnier than you. And he ain't funny).

Or Denise Scott. The only thing even vaugly funny about that luddite bag lady is her rsemblance to a pet rock with a wig on. The way some cameraperson has to feel their life ebbing away, while they get a tight shot of her early dementia style routine, screaming about her prolapse and her geographic titties, sounding to my ear like some sort of oral hybrid between a runaway fax and a trickling brook of Werribee's finest, is heartbreaking. And bile inducing. And gun law reconsidering.

Nope. Bugger it. Had a gutful.

Can't see how these frisbee chasing bafflements make a contribution to the World.
Lift your game or get over to London for Panto season the lot of you.

All for now

Mick "Karen Middleton, that politics reporting chick, is hot" Dog

University of Ballarat goes to Sydney

This just in from our correspondent Matt Heuston-What'sYOURFuckinproblem-Kennedy in Sydney... It seems Ballarat Council is not being consulted on some plans for the expansion of the city's boundaries...


Gold-rush city expands, abscess-like, into the heartland of Sydney.
M Heuston Kennedy - AAP Rooters.

It's an unusual advance guard, but the Gold City has begun its take over of the Emerald City by establishing a office of its University in Sydney's CBD (currently sharing the space with a Scientology Personality Testing Centre and a D&D gaming club).
"Believe you me. Soon, Sydney will be renamed 'North North North Ballarat'. This is just the beginning of our plans for the expansion of our golden town" said an un-named and imaginedcity councillor.
"The bloody soap-dodging hippies might finally shut the hell up aboutthe lake having dried up once we show them our boys rowing on North North NorthBallarat Harbour under the *Golden Arch!"

"We've some grand plans for NNNB, including the forced repatriation of all shirt-lifters to that nonce-hole Melbourne. We'll be keeping keeping most of the 'vagitarians' though. They might be rough as a dog's clacker, but many lezzers - the 'butch' ones I think they'recalled - are renowned hard workers and will form the vanguard of our new NNNB mining and construction efforts. They're like Malley Bulls some of em, but with twats, which, onreflection, isn't very bull-like is it? Anyway, we'll save millions on work-gear too as they all have their own dungarees and boots already."

Further plans discovered by this correspondent include a plan of rapid national expansionin which the the eventual annexation of Papua New Guinea is seen as a real possibility.

"Bogan-Ville sounds like a great name for a regional Capital in the Ballarat Sovereign (Hills) Empire." Said an utterly non-existent council spokesperson who said he enjoyed beer, golf, beer AND golf, sitting, sitting and beer, and reading - with a beer.
This correspondent was then treatedto a recital of a few passages from the spokesperson's favourite book called: "Me In Kamp F" a rollicking adventure tale of the Gold Rush which he related in what seemed to be a local twang, which to the unacustomed ears of this city-slicker reporter, sounded oddly Germanic.

"After NNNB, we'll move north again. Onwards and upwards we say. I mean, you can't have a place called "Queens" Land on the Northern border of the most glorious blokey Empire the world has ever seen can you? Especially after we've sent all the 'queens' to Melbourne where they'll never be seen again - mainly because no-one ever goes there. From there it's onto Bogan-Ville and shortly after, Indonesia which, as there are no Indians - or Esians - hardlymakes any sense as a name, so we'll just call the whole bloody thing China Town. Anyway, I better be off as it's Happy Hour at the Country Club (6 'til 11) and we're sacrificing a hippy to the lake-God tonight - plus there's a choock raffle. First prize is a ham!"

* The proposed new name for Sydney Harbour Bridge which, after being gilded, will beboth an eternal tribute to Ballarat's glorious past and the most ambitious partnership McDonald's has ever undertaken with a city dictatorship.