The Dog Report

Howdy do, you little bran muffins of funk.

Thanks for coming to the meeting. Lets get the agenda underway shall we?

1) The public outpouring of bullshit over Michael Jackson.

Lets see now ....war all over the joint......water running out...faiths threatening to shit down each others necks...freaks running the country....people being lost at sea on leaky smugglers boats...everybody too fat to get to the heart attack help station......rampant alcoholism.. mass extinction of wildlife.....Tooheys.....

Ahhhh...but lets face it....who the fuck can be bothered giving a toot about this trivial shite when some bizarre, skinny, self absorbed hermaphrodite carks it after going loop-o-bananas from eating too many whitery man magic pills over the last 30 years?
Granted you don't often get the combo of dainty robot hoofer and yipping funk terrier everyday and I will admit for a while there he was the shizzle (If you like your shizzle in a six inch shizzle-lite combo), but may I also refer to the saccharine ton of burbling pap that was the last 20 years of ol' Jacko's career?
Granted, my heart is more like a chain smoking oyster with Alzheimers that a pop pump station of lurve, but really.....you're putting this one gloved nozzle up as the greatest entertainer of all time?
And why not?
Because Star Wars was a magnificent docudrama! And Pee Wee Herman was the funniest comedian ever! And A-Ha were the best metal band ever! And the Rolling Stones were actually ABBA on smack! (Hmmmm...I might have to check that one...)

For my two cents, Jackson was like some weird, gull-winged experiment car that was cool for a while but got more and more bad retro as the years rolled on.
Perhaps the truth is that evolution was rooting about with some plasticine in a wind tunnel and thought it might be cool to whip up a funky JacksonWagon in order to tell God to get fucked at the next motor show. (It was the 60's you know.......)
Sadly, like any veteran vehicle, when it costs more to fix than it's worth, what choice do you have but to let the rego run out and wheel it off to the great wreckers in the sky?

I'm just glad that all those weeping kiddies, (and their fat Mums), out buying the Michael Jackson Platinum edition boxed sets are sending their cash to a good cause and not wasting it propping up a family of debauched miscreants who'll probably invest it in pimping Jacko's littlies until they run out of cute.
(That little girl at the funeral will apparently shit in a bag for you if you've got 10 grand. EBay comes alive!)

Word to the wise though- Billy Ray Cyrus has already cornered the market on World conquering progeny, so stick that up your ebony hole with an ivory hole poker, Joe.

2) Stawell Gift.

Yippee! More sport!
It's always great to see a bunch of country hacks running around knowing they'll never make the Olympics, or be of any earthly use to anything, outside of keeping the manufacturers of short shorts in the pink.
Now, I don't care who runs the sausage sizzle on this one. When it comes to dick heads running around in a circle I'm just over come with the urge to scream "Go you bandy legged bastards!"
It's just great to see people who know they'll never crack it for a top spot in anything, (other than 2nd place the Koroit Burping Competition), donning the togs for a quick zoom up he back straight.
It's also good to see that Ballarat has got it together to draw some white lines on the City Oval and has applied for funding to asses the feasibility of eventually acquiring an action team to draw up plans to create a document that strongly advises for a consultancy body to take positive action on approving a first phase plan of possibly creating a think tank to head up a proto-document assessing the need for a committee to get some string to run through at the end.

Those square-headed rubes in Stawell could never get that together! Look at the Civic Hall!
In the time it took to approve the paper work needed to rort the town senseless, all Stawell did was build a hospital and provide free lunch for the poor!
Buncha fuckin dim wit country cow squeezers! Getting things done is no way to get things done!
If it's one thing we Ballarations know how to do it's fuck around like a bunch of Cornish tin miners on a footy trip to Thailand!
More event stealing! We'll fuck any shit up! We don't care where it comes from!
Onwards to Pyramids and a space program I say!


3) JJJ Hottest Turdburger

So Nirvana wins the Koroit Burping competition......
Not bad for a corpsicle, a guy who has released a plush toy called the Dave Grohlliwog and a guy who could work at the Sebas servo for all we know.
Let me just say this again......rock and roll and all it's subsidiary holdings (the shampoo, the ice cream, the baldness therapy sessions etc.) is dead.
It's a corpse to be poked out of pungent curiosity when you're rafting down the river of your mid thirties.
It's a bewildered, tired old Nan sitting in a rest home waiting for a major label to come and change it's shitbag.
It's a tyre marked road kill, spurting a little more infested guts each time the big ol' eighteen wheeler of re-release comes trundling along the Nullabor.
It's a senile wombat bloating in a ditch being slowly consumed by re-mix GenY bacteria.
It's a tired old hooker turning blue in a Shepparton caravan park after coughing it's cunt up for YouPorn.
It's like getting nostalgic about shitting your pants in high school (Those were the days! And what a great puff from the old poop shoot Nevermind was!)

Hottest 100......where was Haircut 100 you might well ask?


Until next time,


Mick "Winter is like death trying to bot a durrie" Dog.

Stawell closed, Ballarat Gift to be opened

It's official: Ballarat is so bereft of ideas of its own it's taken to grabbing whatever is happening up the road at the neighbours' joint.

Thanks to some B-town oldtimers in the Premier's Department the folks at Stawell got the "you're on your own, tiger" mail from the Guvmint, and approximately 35 seconds later a press release went out from the Shitty of Ballarat that they'd help by moving the whole lot to Sturt Street.

We're a bit excited about the Ballarat Gift. So much so we took to the streets of the interwebs and asked people what they thought the Ballarat Gift involved:

"The Ballarat Gift is being able to walk home from the pub and not be beaten to a pulp" - Len

"Will you be allowed to use a shopping trolley and beat anyone to death who gets in your way?" - Tim

"The Ballarat Gift will be the greatest public assembly in Ballarat since the last time an Adelaide footy team made the AFL finals" - Jamie

"A Ballarat Gift is where you get beaten up outside the pub, but they don't kick you in the head or steal your gold claim." - Matt

"I think the Ballarat Gift is something you're born with. Makes it easier to get Centrelink payments." - Tim

"Heh heh! I remember when high school teachers had to stomp out flaming bags of Ballarat Gift left on the porch." - Mick

"The Ballarat Gift: a winter's day above 10 degrees" - Jamie

"The Ballarat Gift: being able to kick on in the backyard at a party in a t-shirt no matter what season." - Steve

But what route will the runners be taking in Ballarat?

An early leaked report states that the Ballarat Stawellen Gift will indeed be run at night - along Lydiard Street, down Policeman's Alley, past Karova, through the carpark at Big W and Dan Murphy's, through the Mall, intothe Safeway carpark - an obligatory dimmie stop at the Hamburger Cart - and then in to the police station.

If you can make it that far without being beaten by vicious teenage thugs on a Smirnoff Ice frenzy, you get a souvenir hand-picked by Ballarat historical character Bendy Vendy.

The question we have to ask right now is: can you run a footrace holding a bunch of begonias?

Stay tuned - our Deep Sole has promised much more inside news from the depths of our elected representatives!

Show With No Name playlist July 14, 2009

Aaaaand... we're back.

Whiter and more manlier than any Triple J Hottest 100 of All Songs On the iPods of Accountants. More annoying in our dedication to publicly broacasting classic rock tunes than Radio Dave, and far sketchier in our income details than Dodgy Butch the Second Hand CD Pimp...

It's the Ballarat institution that's been putting bums on radio since 1914; a collected 367 years in show business that thrusts deeper than anything Gavin the Boot Rooter had a go at in his time.

After the appropriate amount of mourning for Jacko "I'm an Individual" Jackson, we've hit a new timeslot on the airwaves - 8pm till 10pm Tuesday nights - with a new range of cocktail friendly tunes.

The podcast is on its way! Catch up with the other podcasts here

Playlist Tuesday July 14
Sensational Alex Harvey Band - Midnight Moses
23rd Elvis - Destination Midnight
Frank Zappa - Cocaine Decisions
Andrez Williams - Chrysler 300
Sunnyboys - Trouble In My Brain
You Am I - I Can Hear the Grass Grow
Fugazi - Sieve Fisted Find
Funkadelic - Super Stoopid
Scientists of Modern Technology - Technology Illiterate
The Anti-Nowhere League - Streets of London

Half-time oranges served

Iron Maiden - Fear of the Dark (live)
KISS - Shout It Loud
Fat Thing - Beaufort
TISM - The History of Western Civilisation
Capsicum - Don't Fuck With the Wongs
Split Enz - Give It a Whirl
Thin Lizzy - Bad Reputation
Pere Ubu - Waiting For Mary
Roky Erikson - It's a Cold Night for Alligators
Dead Milkmen - Punk Rock Girl
Joe Jackson - 5 Guys Named Moe

It's great to be back, in the heart of the hairy black Satanic anus of winter!

Monorail on Sturt Street, volcano theme park for Buninyong

A leaked Ballarat Council report shows plans are being drawn up to connect Black Hill, Sovereign Hill and the circumference of Lake Wendouree via an ultra modern monorail system. Another theme park submitted was a “Moonbase Alpha”-style resort to be constructed on the dry bed of Lake Wendouree, complete with a giant perspex dome, although rumour has it, that perhaps the lake would be better served with the construction of an Atlantis or Venice based theme park, taking into account that the lake will eventually be filled with grey water by 2010. Local band “Toxic Mermaids” is lobbying for the former.

Not to be left out, Buninyong has presented a submission for some major works to be done inside Mount Buninyong. The Buninyong Shire Council is seeking Government sponsorship as well as private Japanese investors to excavate inside the crater of Mount Buninyong and dig kilometres deep into the Earth’s crust in order to construct a “Journey to the Centre of the Earth” type theme park and underground resort.

A final “Lay on the giant Atlantean Sacrificial Bowl and experience gravitational force that will take your breath away..." -type ride is yet to be approved by Council liability experts

Some of the highlights will be a ‘ghost train ride’ through a catacomb of lava vents and chambers, a Giant Crystal chamber maze, lit by its own phosphorescent light, an echo chamber, an underground forest of Giant Mushrooms next to an underground sea (plans to utilise the Central Highlands water table), complete with self generating storm and whirlpool, plus a replica of Atlantis as well as giant prehistoric dinosaurs. A final “Lay on the giant Atlantean Sacrificial Bowl and experience gravitational force that will take your breath away, as a larva surge rockets you up Mount Warrenheip’s volcanic vent before you shoot skywards and land on the back of the Trojan Horse at Kryal Castle” type ride is yet to be approved by Council liability experts.



In a audacious regional marketing coup, tourists are also being offered an excellent day trip from Buninyong, to the community at Lal Lal Falls, with an announced 10 billion dollar investment from Rose Hancock to convert Lal Lal Falls, its Gorge and surrounds into a glistening all natural health spa and retreat. Construction has begun around the gorge with fairytale castles being carved from the very walls in the style of Middle Earth from the JRR Tolkien/Peter Jackson series of blockbuster movies. The water table is being tapped to add extra sparkling liquid to the equation in the form of many extra waterfalls within the gorge.

Loud grating music has been banned from the area and Enya
has been contracted to play at the resort 6 nights per week, for the first 5 years as soon as it opens.

The focal point for the retreat will be at the top of the falls where it has been discovered the Fountain of Youth actually exists. The locals have already been breeding their children to be predisposed to almond shaped eyes and pronounced pointy ears. Babies are being surgically enhanced to grow into replicas of Gwyneth Paltrow and Orlando Bloom. Loud grating music has been banned from the area and Enya has been contracted to play at the resort 6 nights per week, for the first 5 years as soon as it opens.

After taking in all of the above revelations and proposals, this seemingly invisible Rocket Launching pad, constructed under the very noses of Ballarat residents, has served not only to benefit Ballarat and the surrounding district as a whole, but to unite a tired and apathetic town, bringing new life to its ailing economy, as it blossoms into a truly 21st Century metropolis.

Part 2 in a new series exposing the business of development and construction-lead recovery in Ballarat. Coming soon: Hospital Emergency Department to be Sponsored by Tattersall's

- published by Vinnie the Skip for and on behalf of the Shadow

For more up to date inside news in Ballarat, stay tuned to the Show With No Name, Tuesday nights on Voice FM - or podcast whenever we get around to it

Giant pad soaks up interest

Taken by a roving Ballarat news breaker, this incredible photo of the Government’s new Titan Rocket Launch Pad nestled unobtrusively in the heart of Ballarat atop the Black Hill Recreation Reserve, is indicative of the secretive nature of the Rudd Government’s Top Level Strategic Arms Initiative.

This amazing photograph was hurriedly snapped when a flock of Black cockatoos accidentally perched on the rocket base’s cloaking sub-station which was expertly camouflaged as the flag post (the transmitter) atop the raised bluestone ‘lookout vantage point’ on the pinnacle of the Black Hill Reserve. The amount and weight of the birds shorted out a vital transducer coil and briefly exposed the secret base to a number of astonished onlookers.

For approximately 30 seconds the entire pad and rocket, apparently primed for launch, was visible to the naked eye before backup generators kicked in and the whole facility faded back into invisibility against the surrounding environment.

Elsie Talmadge of Clissold Street said she often wondered why there were so many stunned birds flailing about on the ground on the walking tracks around the base
of the hill.

Upon enquiring amongst local exercise enthusiasts, our news breaker (who we shall call ‘The Shadow’ to preserve his anonymity) discovered some very interesting information. Apparently most people that live in the Black Hill/Brown Hill area had no idea that a full sized rocket launching facility had been constructed right next to their backyards.

“We used to hear a lot of trucks and banging and machinery,” says Tommo McCuthbert of Newman Street, Brown Hill “but Marjorie and I just thought it was the rail yards or road works over the back”. Elsie Talmadge of Clissold Street said she often wondered why there were so many stunned birds flailing about on the ground on the walking tracks around the base of the hill. “Now I know why, the poor things were flying straight into the side of that rocket and knocking themselves senseless… It all makes sense now!”

Young Willy Freeforall, who regularly plays in the reserve on his BMX bike with his mates, told The Shadow that several of his friends had apparently been struck by lightning on a clear blue autumn day whilst biking in the location. Willy said the doctors at the hospital concluded that it must have been freak lightning bolts that caused the horrific injuries to the young men. He went on to say that the doctors had previously said the burns were consistent with the kind one would get if one ran into a 10,000 volt electrified cyclone fence, but they dismissed the notion as implausible.

"The Valley will act as a funnel, protecting the richer and more expensive neighbourhood above and behind the facility whilst obliterating everything at the open end at the same time.”

Today, Ballarat City Council denied any knowledge of the secret rocket base, as did the Victorian State Government. A representative from the National Defence Department was remaining relatively tight lipped about the subject, but did concede that if there were to be a rocket launch facility in the centre of Ballarat, it would definitely NOT be functioning as a military operation with any nuclear predilection. “Any facility that close to a populated area would only ever be used for purely scientific deep space research purposes, repairs to the Hubble Telescope or to ship vital instruments and domestic products such as toilet paper up to the International Space Station.

Doctor Joseph Herganschmidt of the University of Ballarat Physics department, upon sighting the incriminating picture; expressed concern for the safety of the residents of Black Hill and extreme concern for residents and their homes in the Brown Hill area. “When this first rocket is launched, because of the geography of the valley where the facility has been constructed, the resulting enormous back blast will vaporise the majority of the houses in the Brown hill area. The Valley will act as a funnel, protecting the richer and more expensive neighbourhood above and behind the facility whilst obliterating everything at the open end at the same time.”

Opportunities to really hook into the whole Star Wars/Star Trek marketing machine are becoming apparent. A “Thunderbirds the musical” production is in the throes of scripting at Her Majesty’s Theatre.

Real Estate developers said it was a good chance to ‘wipe the slate clean’ in the old and run down suburb, giving investors the chance to buy up deceased estates and share in what could well be the new multi-million dollar ‘Toorak’ of Ballarat. “If anyone from Brown Hill survives the launch, they can be relocated and accommodated in cheap, clean, modern temporary housing further out of town on the Western Plains…somewhere like Cardigan…or Trawalla.”

Tourism experts predict a swift turnaround for Ballarat’s ailing tourism industry. “We’ve already seen an upward trend in local businesses and this will just keep continuing. Opportunities to really hook into the whole Star Wars/Star Trek marketing machine are becoming apparent. A “Thunderbirds the musical” production is in the throes of scripting at Her Majesty’s Theatre.

Submissions to council have been made to construct a life size replica of the ‘Jupiter ‘2 from “Lost in Space”. The fully functioning sculpture will replace the aging Poppet Head tower at Sovereign Hill when the theme park makes the complex changeover from the Historic Australian Colonial Theme to “Space World” in a bid to attract Gold Coast tourism. Sovereign Hill management are in talks with the expert owners of the Wycliffe Wells Roadhouse in the Northern Territory, on just what kind of ‘Alien’ exhibits should be planned and budgeted for.

The diorama display of scenes from the torturous voyages of colonial ships to the new land will be replaced with diorama scenes depicting the development of space flight. Starting with famous moments from the initial voyage of the USS Enterprise, through her various crews and culminating in scenes from the arduous, long journey back from the distant Delta Quadrant with Captain Kathryn Janeway and her intrepid crew aboard the fabulous intergalactic starship, the USS Voyager.

Part 1 in a new series exposing the business of development and construction-lead recovery in Ballarat.

Coming soon: Monorail on Sturt Street - is Ballarat ready for the future?

- published by Vinnie the Skip for and on behalf of the Shadow

For more up to date inside news in Ballarat, stay tuned to the Show With No Name, Tuesday nights on Voice FM - or podcast whenever we get around to it.

Ballarat's missing Logies coverage recovered

At last. The tapes thought lost in the Incident Went It Almost Went South were recovered, debaconised and reconstituted in beercans are here in their full flavoured original edited condition.

Ballarat's own Lenny, MicDog and Floppy Cocksure give it up on what went down at the 2009 Logies.

Hear from those at the B-Town6 V Table of course and feel the pant-tearing analysis of the winners, grinners and top money spinners - the stories that went on in the ad breaks and behind the scenes at the Australian television industry's pie night of pie nights.

Part 01


Part 02

Ballarat's only radio podcast is back

Greetings, thankyou for the cards (none), the calls (none) and the hookers'n'blow so deserving of a high quality showbiz team that are so central to life in Ballarat and the wider western Victoria region.

What, with one member succumbing to lung ebola, another finding explosives packed in his lower intestine and another having his scapula smashed by a ballpeen hammer in a freak Easter accident, it's been touching to know the community has been there, hanging on edge

Through it all Len's been the rock.. the roll, the country (pretty sure that's what he called me) and something of the punk by keepin' the band kickin. Ballarat's turning to its dark side... the months where bands are formed, relationships are broken up, bottles are drained and the lights stay on... a long hard winter needs good'n'hard radio.

And the best little radio podcast in the wilds of Australia is the B-Town Show With No Name...

April bums in Q-Bar edition

Whereby the intrpid duo of Len and Floppy Cocksure investigate the hidden mystery behind Ruddo the WonderTort's new high priced meals dispute; a revelation of the lost Rick Rubin/Slim Dusty recordings and a sneak peak at Slim's version of a Nirvana classic; the dangers of wandering in to a Ballarat takeaway food shop, pointing at the roasted chickens and yelling "THAT'S NOT THE GOOSE"; guest spot by Ballarat showbiz supremo and stalwart Dr Tony Hardstart.



Leading us to the reunion of aformentioned members and the return to form...

Back in the saddle - episode 1.



In which Jesus drops his gaspers. Professor Tad Shabster addresses the Ballarat DeceptivelyStupid Bastards Society when his public speech on alcohol and public health develops into his new theory and invention for underwater flight. The hidden history of false killer whales in 90s Australian folk music; the new Minki system for clubbing your way on to Victorian public transport; the new beer ad to be filmed in Ballarat and the promise of barrell rolling on Sturt Street...

And then, after the cheezels were handed around - part 2



Tracking down The Ballarat Prune Strudlers' meeting and behind-closed doors action; the Smear Jesus for Ballarat festival; the lost story of St Interruptus in the story of Jesus and the disciples and the lost story of of just trying to snap off a length while a hundred people ask you meaningless questions; outrageous scenes in a local church sermon... it just gets a bit odd there for a bit... and the link between Australia's traditional exploding balls of test cricket, the Pope's midget handlers and the Humpty Doo football clubroom...