Look, I don't know whether any of you have heard of this Facebook malarky, but it seems to be bigger than ten speed bicycles and speckledy fruit tingles put together.
I used to hop on the Inter-ma-net and receive general "Hellos! from various friends holed up in various bunkers around the World, (receiving various messages from various Gods) and it was all jolly hockey sticks.
Now it seems I can't respond to various advertisements for long distance telephone rates or doodle biggery without having to donate a virtual rhubarb to some Vampire Slayer during a game of Scabulous.
And I'm not sure I feel happypants about it......
I'm old enough to remember when one simply opened one's letterbox to receive mail, instead of the bizarre dance where one has to find which one of "Friends" is currently researching Letterbox Opening Protocol for their PhD or having to take the "What sort of letter box opener are you?" test.
More to the point, the whole site seems to be filled with a strange, alarming positivism, which frankly grinds at me like a a kind of Mormon Mafia trying to beat you to death with fairy floss and suffocate you with icing sugar.
I have friends (somewhere in a box.... I think...I've just moved house...maybe they're in with the kitchen stuff....).
Although we get along most of the time, sometimes we don't.
I thought the whole idea of a friends was someone stupid enough to put up with you and laugh about it.
But everytime I look at the Facebook comments they are this continuos snootchy goo about how much love there is in the room.
I dunno...just seems a little one sided...I know I shit people to death sometimes.....and vice versa.....
Therefore, now matter how many you "roll deep" in compadres (really? people say that? "Roll deep"? Sounds like a Subway offer to me...) I'd like you to complete the following
The "How many Friends do I actually have and how many people are just people i met through someone else who said "Wow, you guys would really like each other", or people I have to get along with for work purposes or people that I would like to get along with but I'm sure if we actually met we'd hate each other?" Quiz.
1) A friend is
a) Someone who'll hold your hair back when you're spewing your guts up or who'll get in the driving seat when the blue light flashes because they've still got five points left on their license
b) Anyone who'll shout me a drink
c) Any soul from the brethren
d) That guy at the bus stop who knows the lampposts are controlling the weather
2) Your in big trouble. You need $1000 NOW!!! How many friends would pony up the dough?
a) I've got at least six mates who'd cough up the cold hard and shout me an icy pole
b) Are my parents technically friends?
c) Ohh no dude....not again...will you pay a $1000 dollars to have sex with me?...I'll do anything....no I won't take a cheque....no your can't have a test drive...gedda outta here ya bum...no wait...come back...I didn't mean it honey...I'm just feeling naaaaasty.......what all of your friends?....o.k...but one at a time...o.k ..two.....three at a pinch......
d) I don't get into trouble for just such reasons.
3) You've just busted up with your respective partner. One phone call will result in..
a) A mate with a van and a slab rolling around to getcha the fuck outta here and back into the arms of those who've always stuck by you
b) A novelty ringtone bouncing off the walls of a Pilates sessions
c) Another 25 cents into the coffers of Satan
d) a snivelling apology and a night on the couch at Aunty Gail's.
4) The best friends are
a) Honest, loyal and a bit crazy
b) Skinny but not so skinny as to make you feel fat
c) Able to admit that they have a problem and are willing to complete all 12 steps
d) Fuzzy animated sprites on your "My Fuzzy Wuzzle Doodle" page
5) You met most of your friends
a) kicking on and getting your freaky style a-movin
b) when I changed my name and moved state to get away from my previous debts and indiscretions with other "so-called" friends.
c) in the back of the divvy van
d) When I dropped 14 trips at The Big Day out while the Butthole Surfers were playing (or maybe maybe I was at home watching the tumble dryer...I dunno...)
6) The thing I'd wanna tell all my friends is
a) Thanks. You guys have made this stupid ball of confusion so much more fuckin bearable. Luv's ya guts's.
b) Stay away from Ryan. He's mine
c) I'm better now I've stopped taking Ice/Herion/Meth/HorseTranq/Etc.
d) Can I borrow $50?
7) At your funeral you'd like your friends to
a) Play your favourite tunes, have a party and say something genuine about ya.
b) be paroled
c) not steal your stuff
d) not share the crematorium. I'd hate to be saddled with you arseholes for another fucking life.
I think you can draw any conclusions for yourselves.
Oh...just one more thing.....I'd just like to make it perfectly clear that I don't give a shit about vampires, slayers, icons I can't drink, stupid causes, heartwarming stories about dead spastics, virtual vegetable programs, icons that flash their boobs when you send them to 10,000 people, travelling fuckin bears/gnomes/nuns, tests that couch what a grumpy hoon I am in Fluff-Speak, anything to do with Dr. Phil, set lists of your terrible music taste, reviews of films I wouldn't see if they Tarzan gripped my eyeballs to the popcorn machine, compatibility test to see if we agree about b-grade actors from the sixties, shit from YouTube where some fool makes beeping noises at a toaster, cartoon fish/flowers/fannies (actually I'll accept the fannies now I come to think of it...) or anything other than a request to meet up somewhere and a have a beer and a laugh.
Til next time
Mick "Keeping the real real" Dog.